Gods Good!!

It's just crazy how God answers prayers sometimes. Today I was doing my quiet time and I just realized how amazing God truly is. If we draw near to Him, He draws near to us.. if we seek Him, we find Him. It's not lies-its the truth! It's so great..to have a best friend in Him...someone so powerful who is always there-and just wants my heart.... no other agenda. Just wants my love! :) I have been praying for community ... meaningful friendships in my life ... REAL friends... and I have been praying for motivation,encouragement, and the ability to lose weight... to stay healthy... and God has been answering both! And even answered both..within one person! :) I have been too busy searching out other things, and other people to answer my own prayers..that I forgot just to give it to God....Which is what we should always do all along. Because to be honest, we dont have the power to solve our problems. We have the free will to get ourselves into them in the first place...but let God get you out! :)

Where is my place?

So.. tonight was a thinking night. Not for sure where God wants me and just getting so torn and tired from the slump I have been. I have been in it for years..and I dont want to be in it for years to come. God..what direction do you want me to go Lord? Please hear my heart...and show me the way. I know you have a plan for me..you have a marvelous plan beyond anything I could dream.. but its just getting there..having the patience to wait..and to trust you.
Also..I have no community whatsoever. I feel like I'm alone on this journey. Only one friend who truly understands me and what I've gone thro..on this journey...and is on the journey too. To live for You. To serve You..and to grow..and she is miles away! I really need those friends-to help me along..

I just need to find my place..Lord..where is my place?

Were only human

He told me he was bad for me. That I was changing because of him. He warned me. Then I realized,almost all of "them" warned me. They said there was something innocent about me-no matter what I had done. Some knew their limits-and left before it had gotten to far. Others pushed and pushed and regretted what they had done later. Or did they? They warned me. But I was dumb to the fact. I did not heed the warning. I wanted to show them LOVE. I didnt want them to think I was too good for them. They needed me. And I thought I needed them. HA! You cant change someone. I had to learn that the hard way. I reached my hand down to lift them up and they pulled me down right with them. I couldnt be strong for them any longer because I couldnt be strong for myself. You can not save anyone who doesnt want to be saved. I did not have the strength... I never did. I was trying to save them on what little strenghth I had-and not God's. So..there unfolded my life.
My life of trying to save people.. trying to help people.. trying to love people..trying to show them compassion... and in the end-I was one of them. A lost girl-needing to be saved-needing help-needing love-and needing compassion. How did I get there?! When once I knew who I was and where I was headed. Life turned upside down in a blink of an eye.......
It seems it can change so quickly
But getting back up..and starting over seems to take forever. Rebuilding who you were-only takes time. I think maybe we can appreciate it more that way. The time it takes to rebuild your life-should hinder you from wanting to destroy it again. Because honestly who wants to go back to trying to save the world and being pulled down with it? We're not superheros. We can't be..no matter how hard we try. We can make an impact..but we can't step into the scene..and excpect to come out clean. We're only human

Rambling About..NOTHING!

Blah..its 6:30 in the morning..and I got up at 5:30. Only to have fallen asleep at about 3:00. I'm NOT a morning person whatsoever. Obviously..I can hardly sleep at night. So I hate when I have to get up this early for work-or ANYTHING! lol. If I could sleep at night, I think this would be a different story. It didnt help that yesterday I started drinking green tea...which is supposed to help with weight loss, metabalism, and energy.... and..I worked out... so I defintely could not sleep. I was sitting there at about midnight, thinking I was ready to go work out again. lol. That is NOT me.. I usually do not have tons of energy. Which is good-but at the same time- is gonna be dangerous whenever I cant sleep at night and have to be up early the next morning. Oh well. This is how I see it..I'm gonna get to work... and after work..come home.. and hopefully make a trip up to Bolivar to get Fathers Day gifts..and then LAY DOWN when I get back. Or work out.lol.. but I'm talking positive and telling myself I will have the option of laying down when 2:00 rolls around. Wow.. this blog is totally pointless. But its 6:30 in the mornign and I need to pass time.

Anyways..I'm pretty excited I stumbled upon this green tea. Wish I would of drank it sooner. Just drinking green tea alone, in 15 weeks..you can lose up to 47% body fat.. but with exercise you can lose up to 89%. How awesome!!! My goal is to lose like 20-30 pounds..and I will be feeling pretty good about myself. This whole energy thing too is awesome... because it actually pushes me to want to work out! :) I usually cant ever get up the motivation or energy...

So my work out plan is dancing. I'm gonna dance my *** off. (lol its a show!) but seriously..I love dancing... got this dvd to learn different dance moves from dancing from the stars. I'm also going to look into a belly dancing dvd! :)
I have missed dancing so much... and doing this it reminds me of highschool and cheerleading-and all the dances we did. It takes me back ! So much fun. After highschool you do not have too many oppurtunites to just go and dance..because there are not many dance parties for post grad people.
Lol..
but it is something I enjoy...

anyways..this is enough rambling..about nothing

:) good day!!

Once/Always

Once ... Always?
Melissa Taylor

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ; he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"
2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV)

Devotion:
Once a liar, always a liar. Once a bitter person, always a bitter person. Once a failure, always a failure. Once impure, always impure. Once a bad mom, always a bad mom. Once a person living in fear, always a person living in fear. "Once a ____, always a ____."
What did you fill in the blank with? Do you have anything from your past that still defines you? I have good news for you. You can stop living like this today.
Who is Jesus to you? That is a question we all need to answer. Jesus' disciples were asked this in Matthew 16:15. "Then Jesus asked them, 'But who do you say I am?'" (CEV). Peter answered, "You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God" (v.16). How would you answer Jesus' question?
So many of us know and believe Jesus is indeed the Son of the living God, but what does that mean to us in terms of our identity? The Bible tells us in John 3:16-18 that God loved us so much that He gave His only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but live forever in eternity. "God did not send his Son into the world to condemn its people. He sent him to save them! No one who has faith in God's Son will be condemned." (CEV)
Did you notice that last part? Jesus did not die for our sins so that we would live under condemnation of them. Nor did He die so we would forever be labeled and falsely identified by our sins. He died so we would be set free from our sins and their shame, labels, and condemnation. Don't believe anyone who tells you different. Know who Jesus, your Savior from sin, is and rest in that truth.
Maya Angelo said, "When people show you who they are, believe them...the first time." I will have to disregard Ms. Angelo's statement. "Once a ___, does not make me (or you) always a ____." Why? Because of who Jesus is in us. Our God is not only a God of second chances, He is a God of infinite chances, forgiveness and grace.
We can't change what people think about us. Sure, we can try to explain how we've changed, but often others will define us by one or more sins we've committed in the past. It's happened to me before. Even though I may have once earned the "Once/Always" names I was called, I know that's not who I truly am. Our identity is NOT in what we did, but in who and Whose we ARE.
"Once a ___, always a ___"? No ma'am, that is not true in the context of Christ! In Christ, you are washed clean. Look again at our key verse, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the old has gone, the new has come." The old has gone. Gone. Gone. It's gone! Answer the question Jesus asks, "Who do you say I am?" And believe the answer that He is your Savior from condemnation. You are a new creation in Christ Jesus. No person or past action can take that from you because, "Once a beloved child of God, always a beloved child of God." That is the truth!

For the moment

She fades..
like the stars in the morning sunrise..
and in an instant..she is gone.
Out of reach.. out of sight.
No one sees her-let alone do they care.
There is a bigger light, a bigger star-
she is just a distant memory.
For the moment.

Dear Best Friend

Dear best friend,



Where are you? I've been searching for you, looking for you, wanting to find you again. I lost you many times. To situations and circumstances that were in no way a reason to lose a best friend. I dont know but all I have is the memories of us..laughing, having fun,sharing tears, talking to dawn, and just being with each other when everyone else walked away. I dont know where you went-but I'm looking for you again. I am not asking for the same YOU back-I just want my best friend. Someone that I can go to..who will understand me. And I dont want to have to change and be someone I'm not for you..because thats not a best friend at all... I want you to love me and respsect me for who I am and the decisions I'm making in my life. I cant be the same person..and you cant either....



I just want to have you back again.. with me... and know you'll always be there..



Love,

Brittany





This blog is about how I feel right now. I just..dont really feel like I have a best friend in my life anymore.. And it makes me think about the many best friends I had in the past-and how I miss them-how they were there for me..thro that season of life but how its so different now. I try to rekindle the relationship..just to realize its not going to work. I'm different-and so are they. I think maybe this is just a lonely season in my life. I have friends here whom I love to death-who are really good friends..but I havent found a BEST friend.. whom I can fully trust..and be able to do things with..and just run to when I'm down.

I know it will come.

But right now-I just miss the ones I had-and long for the ones in the future.

God knows what He is doing.

The things he'll never know

Dear guy,



I'm not sure whether you can comprehend what I gave you and it's worth to me. It was never something I took lightly. Actually, after all, I was saving it for marriage. I was wearing those rings that said.. *true love waits*.. and whenever I would hang out with friends younger than I am, they would make fun of me because I had not given myself away yet..and they had. It hurt but I knew that I had to wait. And then you came along. Perhaps I gave myself to you because I truly cared about you. Perhaps I gave myself to you because I felt that if I didnt-you wouldnt want me. Perhaps I gave myself to you-to surprise people...to show them I'm not scared. Maybe I gave in for peer pressure. But whatever reason, it makes you a part of me forever. In my memory. I wish that I could erase the past-take it back-because honestly..you were never worth the gift I gave you. If so, you would still be here today. You would LOVE me with your whole heart- you would be serving Christ right beside me..and pushing forward... but no.. were leading two seperate lives now. Lives that should of remained seperate to begin with. You took a part of me that I still look back and say-man-I wish I never gave that to him. But..you cant ever take it again. This gift is repackaged..and is waiting for the right man that God has for me. He wont abuse it. He wont take it for granted. He wont use it to his advantage. He wont mock it. He wont disrespect it. He wont forget about it. It will be his.. and no matter what-the gift I gave you will seem like NOTHING anymore because of the gift I will give him.. that gift will be packaged with love,passion, and a life together-and you cant even take that away from me. Because I know...that even as I write this, you dont care an inch about what happened between us... It benefited you at the time-and thats all that matters. But, you didnt win. You will never have all of me. You never did have my heart..and you never will..



With regret,



Me

Roller Coaster Ride

Well..my life has felt like a roller coaster the last few days. Just trying to enjoy the ride..but not sure which turns and ups and downs are worth taking. Kinda like..what I should have in my life and what I shouldnt. Who I should have in my life..and who I shouldnt. It's so hard..I feel like I'm torn in a million directions. I'm torn from the person that I want to be..the one I know that I need to be.... and the one who still wants to hold on to some things of her past. In all honesty, that person just needs to let go. I cant ever be her again..and in a way, im okay with that. Actually-im fully okay with that ..most times..its just how do I seperate myself from that kinda enviroment and still have a greaaaaat summer?
Maybe its just the fact that I want to find friends.. that will SUPPORT ME..and LOVE ME...and ENCOURAGE ME.. for what I believe in..and what I do. Instead of feeling like I have to be someone or do things that I would rather not to do.. I need to keep my backbone..and just be me! It's so hard trying to seperate from your old self.. to be the new creation God has made me to be.

Church last night was awesome. Just what I needed to hear. I need to draw near to Him... and He will draw near to me. I need to stay disciplined...and I need to press onward. I need to stop being a dreamer-and just do it! Because I know that the life I was leading just will lead to death..and it's not going to take me anywhere-but God has bigger plans..and He wants me to let go of what I cant control-and trust in Him.

Stroll Down Memory Lane?

I strolled down memory lane a little too long. Longer than I'd like. I realized, my past IS the past..and I have to leave it there. I am a different person now. I can pretend to be the same..but it's not me. I think differently..I act differently..I want different things. And I realized, as much as I thought I missed the past--I really dont. It's the same ol drama day in and day out. And.. God doesnt want me to take that path..and I dont want to either. I came home crying after the night out.."on the town.." and I dont see how it was worth it ... At the time, I didnt care..thats what I wanted to do. But after it was all said and done-I knew that this place wasnt for me anymore. So weird how long it has to take me to learn these lessons that I should have already had pounded into my head! I just am a slow learner I guess..and I always take the hard way around to learn these things. Man.. I just spent my birthday feeling guilty...and regretful most of the time. I dont want to spend the rest of my days like that. I want to continue to move foward and just ignore these past couple of weeks and mark them off as learning experiences... because thats all I can do. I cant reverse time and change anything because if I could..there would be a lot of things I would change.
I feel so dissapointed in myself..at the present moment. I know that we are all sinners and we all fail. But why did I go pretend to be someone I'm not? Just for a night out with friends? Just for friendships? I cant live in those kind of friendships any longer... its done. its over with. And there is a reason they are not part of my life any longer. They have to remain a memory. It's so sad to put something or someone that was once a major part of your life to rest..but I have to continue to remind myself..its for the best..its for the best.
I need my chance to heal.
I need God to forigve me.
I need to forgive myself.
I need to fight off the devil.
I need to be strong.

Oh....Lonely World

The last couple of days have been hard. And if you have been following my blogs at all, I think you will know I have been struggling. But.. I want a friend. And I'm really confused on why I'm feeling so lonely right now. I have friends. But they are scattered..Nebraska..North Carolina..Florida.. and the ones who are in Springfield..are going to be gone all Summer. I have a couple here.. but we never hang out..theres always something going on.. OR.. an excuse...........and....idk..i'm just wanting and desiring to make the best out of this summer..but i'm not even sure how to go about that. I dont want to be stuck here in Weaubleau all Summer doing nothing..besides working.. and just sitting at home when I'm not. I have ONE friend...who I can do stuff with....but.. I just dont know how much we can find to do by ourselves.And the other thing is.. I do NOT want to compromise who I am and who I am becoming. I want to stay focused on God and not get mixed up in that party life or scene anymore. Most of the people around here-well-thats what they do. Thats how they have fun. I'm just at a state of loss here... I'm tired of sitting back and not having..any fun... but I dont want to compromise my faith.
Lord..please bring me some friends.. that i can just be myself around..and go to..and have a greaaat time with-without the use of alcohol,drugs,ect....

Falling Back?

BLAH! so last night was so much fun..and hard at the same time. I had fun with my family..water sliding,four wheeling, cook outs.. but.. then I went out and I seen a ton of ppl from my past. I'm just kinda worried. Like I feel so distant from God lately.. and I knowthat life would be so easy to fall back into. And I'm struggling. There is certain ppl I think I could be around..and not fall back into that old lifestyle..but then there are just some, I'm like..no way.. thats what they live and breathe. And. I'm really struggling because I want to have the best summer ever.. but..i'm not sure how to do that..or even with who..what ppl I should go hang out with..and who I shouldnt.
I dont want to fall backwards..

Balance

I have been really down these last couple of days. I'm hoping this is just a phase. I have felt so far from God..and like I'm wanting to become the old.. Brittany again. In different ways..and thats not what I want at all. And then I think.."ok..your being tested." Must be it! Positive it's it. I'm not good at tests LORD! I almost fail each time. Gosh..I have so much learning,growing, and stretching of myself that I need to do. I got to find a way to balance myself... God.. I need YOUR HELP!!!!!!!! ... I'm falling fast..

Tossed and Turned

I was reminded last night why for a long time I isolated myself and didnt get close to anyone. Part of me last night just wanted to curl up into that shell again and never come out. Lay in bed forever..and just forget life..and people. It sucks being so compassionate and so emotional and sensitive all at the same time. That means you get HURT big time when life throws curve balls at you. I barely slept last night. Tossed and turned.. I feel horrible today. And now..getting ready for work.. Gross! I know I will get thro this little storm.. with God's help and strength. Man..why does He feel so far away?? But.. in the mean time, I just want to curl up in a ball... and sleep for a couple of days. I would be perfectly content in that. That's the depression I've struggled with for a couple years now speaking. Ofcourse, I will not do that.. but.. I might be taking some time and space for myself... I feel like I've been hit by 10 semi trucks...over and over again. That's how my body, mind, and spirit feels. I never can quite find the right people to keep around in my life.
I also realized yesterday... that some of those friends that said.."I will always be here for you" were absent and they let me down once again! After I have time after time dropped what I was doing-to go listen to one of them when they were in need. It makes me feel so ... lonely... and hurt. But I will move forward. Maybe were just at different stages of lives.. where.. we dont need each other anymore. I just know I needed a friend last night....
I know God is gonna pull me through this. And I am trying so hard to draw near to Him in this moment. I know I'll be okay.. I just wish things were different in life..in my area of friends and relationships. I would really love to find a couple friends I can trust. . I have a couple-whom live far away.. and I have one that lives close but were at different stages in life. I would love to find someone I could just go to.. to cry on their shoulders when I, hopefully do not, have days like this again. But maybe God is trying to teach me to lean fully on Him...... and sometimes the lessons are hard.... but in the end..always the best. Whatever it is God..I'm listening fully.. and I'm willing to lean on you. I can not take all this burden myself..........

What A Mess

I dont want to argue. I dont want to fight. I dont want to be involved in this drama. I feel like I'm sitting back in highschool right now. I owned up to my responsibility... I said I was sorry-what more do you want from me? I will not sit back and be harassed and threatened. It's not my style..I'm not going to talk to someone whose just planning on being nasty to me..and wont own up to his faults. Gossip?..hmm. You are the king of gossip so it does not bother me.
But.. *sigh*
God.. I need YOU! I felt like I've been running around in pure chaos today... just trying to run away from it all...no where in particular. But I need to run to You. Lord please make this better..teach me what you want me to learn. I've already learned some..God.. this just reminds me of highschool..these are not the kind of friends I want to have.. LORD.... BRING ME TO A POINT OF ABSOLUTE WISDOM. I dont know what to do... but all I can do... is focus on You. I need to focus on You..and those ones that I do hold dear and I love...
and grant me peace....Lord, I know I did the right thing......

Blast From The Past

So.. I think about my past and there are a lot of things that I regret..that I would change..that I would NEVER want to repeat again. But..these friendships right here, I would NEVER change... They have blessed me in so many ways. I dont know, but I have been thinking about each one of these beautiful young women a lot lately..and how much I miss them. I see NONE of them anymore. A couple every once and awhile.. talk to some..and some I hardly speak to at all. But I love them all ..with every ounce of my heart. They will always be a fond memory ....

and maybe,hopefully, good friends...throughout the years.

RANTING && RAVING!

It's hard for me to respect him. I try. Everyday I have to turn and ask God to grant me love for him. It's not easy. I look at him and all I see is people from my past.. all of them mixed into one being. The only difference is the people from my past are LOST. They have somewhat of an excuse. It's still wrong. But they are allowing satan to use them and work through them because they are lost. HE should not have one..whatsoever. He claims to be a christian. He claims to know the truth and the life. But I dont see any ounce of truth or life in him. There is no progress whatsoever. He speaks so much negativity into our lives that he could bring down a party. Term: Party Pooper. He turns everyone against each other in the blink of an eye. And where are his morals lying? To seek out a young child when he is 8 years older..blows my mind!! I cant look at him as Godly man. Everytime he prays out loud, I feel sick to my stomach. He talks of the joy of seeing young kids turn their lives over to Christ.. but yet.. what is he allowing Christ to do in His life? Now, I know this sounds horrible of me. Maybe I am just assuming and judging.. or maybe I'm allowing bitterness to take hold. My prayer daily is.." JESUS, give me LOVE for this man. Letme see him as YOU see him. Let me see him as a lost soul in search for YOU! but oh how I try!!!! I know that I have my many faults and flaws. I will admit them to you. BUT I know that between God and I...were making progress. Were working on them. But where is the progress in his life? Everyone around him..sees he is SET in his ways. He doesnt budge. He doesnt care. It's just simple. He's too busy searching out love in worldy way, that he doesnt seek FIRST..His FATHER who loves him more than anyone else. Ah. I pity him and I'm just bitter. I know that I'm wrong on these feelings..but Lord..this is just how I feel. I drew the line whenever a girl I find as a little sister tells me that he has been seeking her out.. You can hurt me. But it stops when you start to find someone close to me to hurt. Ah.. I need to let go and forgive. I need to see him as a lost child... and PRAY for him.. I NEED TO! I NEED TO ! I NEED TO! But I need God's strength.. to do so...

*sigh*

AND TO THINK.. the people of my past.. the man who raped me, my ex, and people involved... I HAVE FORGIVEN. I have let go of that bitterness. Because I KNOW they are lost. I KNOW they knew no better. I KNOW who they were serving..and who I was serving at the time. Ofcourse..it's going to end the way it did. It does not justify what they did..and it doesnt stop me from still feeling hurt, abused, and torn over it.. but I know that it was out of our hands. But with him.. he claims to know better. He claims to be better. He claims that he is not lost.
But I dont see it.
Makes it harder to forgive and forget. The word hyprocrit comes to mind.
But at the same time, we all are hyprocrits because we all sin..
I just think theres a difference if your seeking to change who you are...
or if your set in being the way you are and still claiming Christ as your Lord and Savior.

And once again..
I pray..
"Lord, give me love for this man. Help me not to judge..but just to see him as lost. He is yours."

My blog just for JOSIE!!!!!!!!

This is my giiirl Josie.. who has drifted miles apart! I think she is pretty special. And she is getting her own blog because shes the first FOLLOWER of mine..and well..shes special enough to have her own blog! :)
Anyways.. I'm excited that were gonna be following each other..so we can stay in touch and I can not wait to see her again! We're gonna go party in cliquot.. and ... were gonna burn down a couple of residences (JK JK JK JK).... and take a huge farm truck with a shot gun for a spin. ha.
or maybe were a bit more mature than that... since we've grown up.
we will make moooore memories! i love you josie jones!

My Attempt

I hate how friends drift apart over the miles... or just over time. It seems like its just so hard to stay in touch! I'm trying to get more friends to join me in this blogging scene..so we can atleast keep in touch with each others lives through the internet. I love reading whats going on in peoples lives!! And I love to share- so lets get this party started guys! Join me..so we can better be involved in one anothers lives!!

Capture The Sun

Capture The Sun
God's really been working on my heart lately. Today I broke down. It's so hard being in a place where you see everyone exceeding ahead and being used by the Lord-when your heart is THERE..your heart,your soul,and everything within you wants to seek God's will and be used by Him. Your willing. Your chasing the sun- but feel like your always a few steps behind-your not quite there--it fades before you can truly capture it. And the beauty you see turns to be just a memory in your mind-of something you long for with your whole heart..but can never capture it. I feel like thats been my life... for a long time now. I have the desire, the motivation to move ahead..to chase the sun..to capture the sun.. and soak in the beauty- and let God use my heart for His purposes...but...

....


...

what? Lord?.. Are you there? And can you hear my crys? My heart is aching..and longing for You.
What am I doing wrong??


I want to be transformed Lord.. to who YOU want me to be. And Lord..I want to be used... I'm yours.

Lord, I want to capture the sun.........

Being Real

How many people actually take the time to be real with God? A lot of times we sit back and pray things like.."please forgive me of my sins. amen." We go through the motions..instead of seeking the relationship factor. Lately, I have been learning that I need to be real..instead of just praying the non-originial prayers.. "Lord..thank You for this day. Please forgive me for my sins. Watch over me. Bless the hands that have prepared this meal.." and so on. That's all good..and great...and needed.. BUT..when are we real? Just telling Him how we feel. He knows but He wants to hear it from us. He is our lover. Our best friend. Our confidant..but so many times ..we push Him off as just this royal guy up in the sky..who we are supposed to pray to..everyday..thanking Him..and seeking forgiveness. Whose laws were supposed to fall..to be a "Good Christian" We need to go to Church-stand up when told to..sit down when told to.. open the Bibles when told to..and so on. We think thats real-but it's not.. most of the time..it's just the motions of being a Christian. I've been challenged lately to really seek God..in everything in my life. To seek Him in the messes..and the joyous times..instead of just going through the motions. I'm not perfect- I know when to do what I'm supposed to do..and pray when I'm supposed to as well. But, I want MORE than that. I want a real realationship with my Father. Not hiding anything. Because He knows all and He loves me no matter what I've done! I still have a long way to go. But I wanted to share with you.......my beginnings of being real with God. My heart..a prayer out of my own journal ..to maybe encourage you to be real with Him.About EVERYTHING!! He will reveal Himself more to you!

Good luck!!

Love,

*B*



















"The truth,God, has already been confessed many times before but I still feel I have not released it all. I failed You. Tremendously. I gave up and gave in to what the world had to offer instead of what You promised. It seemed okay at the time. Harmless. But then it ended up to be..harmful.. Drinking away my fears,tears, anxiety,depression. Running from You. I sent myself out of reality and into the pits of Hell. I never knew it would end up so badly. I did not see what was coming. I did not know who I was anymore. It was like I met an evil side of me, that I wished I would have never had the chance to meet. That Brittany did not care about anyone but herself.-and actually didnt even care about herself. I was running from what I needed to the items and people that I needed least. I was searching for love in the wrong places,seeking to please others instead of You, trying to slip away from the world.. one drink at a time... one pill at a time... one party at a time. The people surrounding me could care less about me. My dreams...my desires...my passions..my ambitions. We were drinking buddies. That's it. So quickly they came and so quickly they went..they left me out to dry. After the storm, and when my pain seeped through, they were gone. They wanted no part of it. They never cared. And I realize I didn't either. My world was a roller coaster of ups and downs-and the ups required alcohol. Lord, I needed You and You were right there--waiting outside the door of the party. Reaching out to me as I popped the pills. And crying for me when I gave into "him". You were there waiting. You never gave up on me. And because of Your love--I was healed. Forgiven. Still bruised...Still broken... but Your grace has made me whole. Your love has saved me.Thank You."

My feelings

Just let me feel.. let me be brave and courageous.
Let me face my demons, the things holding me apart from myself.
Let me cry.. so I can look my problems in the face-and heal.
Don't try to stop me from feeling, because I need to breathe.
Because you cant see how much this is suffocating me.

** I realized today that I am NOT weak because I cry. I am NOT weak because I struggle. I am NOT weak because I hurt. I am NOT weak because I feel. I am STRONG for feeling. I am STRONG for crying. I am STRONG because I allow myself to hurt. I am STRONG because I struggle. I am brave and courageous. It takes someone STRONG to allow themselves to become WEAK..because that means they have to face their giants. Their demons. They are standing face to face and dealing with them. Instead of pushing them inside and covering them up so NO ONE can see.. and letting them slowly kill you from the inside out. So please, next time you tell me that I need to be 100% better and that I shouldn't have a problem with "him" , "that situation", or " it" .... keep it to yourself. Because I'm dealing with it and you have not stepped a foot inside my shoes to realize that it's NOT as easy as you would like to think. I see my faults-- I'm working on them. But please quit trying to look me in my eyes and tell me that I'm okay.That I shouldnt over-react. Until you take 2 years out of your life, and go through the pain,suffering,neglect, and abuse that I suffered-then you have no idea.. God's working on me. And He is doing marvelous things in my life. He IS transforming me. But just like anything, it takes time. It takes time to heal...and to be transformed... -just pray for me-love me-support me-encourage me..but please stop telling me that I should be healed already-that i should be okay- and please dont make excuses for the things that hurt me. Because there is none. **

To My Rapist

To My Rapist
To you, you do no wrong. To you,everyone wants to be with you and wants you. Thats not the case. Perhaps you realize what you did but your ability to accept and admit is overcome by your overwhelming pride and fear. You have a fear deep inside that something will be done about what you did. Of course, you dont need that. You win. Unfortunately nothing is going to be done because to be honest, I dont want to see your face again. I already see it every night before I fall asleep. Plus I believe you will get what you deserve. I hope that one day you take the time to realize what you did and it haunts you like you haunt me. Every guy has a girl in their life that they would do anything for, that they would take a bullet for. Imagine to yourself that this girl was in the same situation as I. There would be no pushing it aside. But all girls around the world have to deal with it everyday. They have to push their thoughts and feelings aside and try to make it seem as nothing happened. Truthfully, you have ripped out all ability for me to trust again. You have changed a strong, beautiful, trusting woman into a woman who is scared. She is so scared of everything because it could lead to the one thing that she never thought would happen to her. She is scared to go and be among the crowd because every guy there ..she now questions. She is scared to leave out her doors because she is scared she will run into a guy like you. She is scared to be alone because thats when she is most vulnerable. Thats when she starts to remember.
This woman can no longer trust. Because to trust is to have a person prove themselves to you. And every proof that you were a respectable man has fallen and crashed into a billion pieces. If one guy that seemed to be trusted can do that..then what about others? Are they creeps also? Do they want to hurt you too and take away your strength and willpower? This makes a woman feel so alone, used, abused. I hope that you are proud of yourself. You go around and pretend that nothings happened while everyday I live with the fact that it did happen. I hear your name and it brings me back. I hear another sad story of a girl who was hurt like me and it takes me there all over again.
I believe that you will get yours one day. And you will remember my face and I will haunt you like you have haunted me.
I hope you never forget what you did.







Statistics on Rape:





Rape is about power, not sex. A rapist uses actual force or violence — or the threat of it — to take control over another human being. Some rapists use drugs to take away a person's ability to fight back. Rape is a crime, whether the person committing it is a stranger, a date, an acquaintance, or a family member.Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault. No one has the right to have sex with you against your will. The blame for a rape lies solely with the rapist.

Sometimes a rapist will try to exert even more power by making the person who's been raped feel like it was actually his or her fault. A rapist may say stuff like, "You asked for it" or "You wanted it." This is just another way for the rapist to take control. The truth is that what a person wears, what a person says, or how a person acts is never a justification for rape.
Most people who are raped know their rapists. That can sometimes lead the person who's been raped to try to protect the perpetrator. Make protecting yourself your priority; don't worry about protecting the person who raped you. If you want to report the crime, do so. If you don't feel comfortable reporting it, though, you don't have to. Do whatever helps you feel safe and heal — without blaming yourself.


Almost 2/3 of rapes were committed by someone known to the victim.
73% of sexual assaults were perpetrated by a non-stranger.
38% of rapists are a friend or acquaintance.
28% are an intimate.
7% are a relative.

In 1 in 3 sexual assaults, the perpetrator was intoxicated — 30% with alcohol, 4% with drugs.
In 2001, 11% of rapes involved the use of a weapon — 3% used a gun, 6% used a knife, and 2 % used another form of weapon.
84% of victims reported the use of physical force only.

1 out of every 6 American women have been the victims of an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime (14.8% completed rape; 2.8% attempted rape).
Girls ages 16-19 are 4 times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault

Effects of Rape
Victims of sexual assault are:
3 times more likely to suffer from depression.
6 times more likely to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder.
13 times more likely to abuse alcohol.
26 times more likely to abuse drugs.
4 times more likely to contemplate suicide.