I strolled down memory lane a little too long. Longer than I'd like. I realized, my past IS the past..and I have to leave it there. I am a different person now. I can pretend to be the same..but it's not me. I think differently..I act differently..I want different things. And I realized, as much as I thought I missed the past--I really dont. It's the same ol drama day in and day out. And.. God doesnt want me to take that path..and I dont want to either. I came home crying after the night out.."on the town.." and I dont see how it was worth it ... At the time, I didnt care..thats what I wanted to do. But after it was all said and done-I knew that this place wasnt for me anymore. So weird how long it has to take me to learn these lessons that I should have already had pounded into my head! I just am a slow learner I guess..and I always take the hard way around to learn these things. Man.. I just spent my birthday feeling guilty...and regretful most of the time. I dont want to spend the rest of my days like that. I want to continue to move foward and just ignore these past couple of weeks and mark them off as learning experiences... because thats all I can do. I cant reverse time and change anything because if I could..there would be a lot of things I would change.
I feel so dissapointed in myself..at the present moment. I know that we are all sinners and we all fail. But why did I go pretend to be someone I'm not? Just for a night out with friends? Just for friendships? I cant live in those kind of friendships any longer... its done. its over with. And there is a reason they are not part of my life any longer. They have to remain a memory. It's so sad to put something or someone that was once a major part of your life to rest..but I have to continue to remind myself..its for the best..its for the best.
I need my chance to heal.
I need God to forigve me.
I need to forgive myself.
I need to fight off the devil.
I need to be strong.
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