It's hard for me to respect him. I try. Everyday I have to turn and ask God to grant me love for him. It's not easy. I look at him and all I see is people from my past.. all of them mixed into one being. The only difference is the people from my past are LOST. They have somewhat of an excuse. It's still wrong. But they are allowing satan to use them and work through them because they are lost. HE should not have one..whatsoever. He claims to be a christian. He claims to know the truth and the life. But I dont see any ounce of truth or life in him. There is no progress whatsoever. He speaks so much negativity into our lives that he could bring down a party. Term: Party Pooper. He turns everyone against each other in the blink of an eye. And where are his morals lying? To seek out a young child when he is 8 years older..blows my mind!! I cant look at him as Godly man. Everytime he prays out loud, I feel sick to my stomach. He talks of the joy of seeing young kids turn their lives over to Christ.. but yet.. what is he allowing Christ to do in His life? Now, I know this sounds horrible of me. Maybe I am just assuming and judging.. or maybe I'm allowing bitterness to take hold. My prayer daily is.." JESUS, give me LOVE for this man. Letme see him as YOU see him. Let me see him as a lost soul in search for YOU! but oh how I try!!!! I know that I have my many faults and flaws. I will admit them to you. BUT I know that between God and I...were making progress. Were working on them. But where is the progress in his life? Everyone around him..sees he is SET in his ways. He doesnt budge. He doesnt care. It's just simple. He's too busy searching out love in worldy way, that he doesnt seek FIRST..His FATHER who loves him more than anyone else. Ah. I pity him and I'm just bitter. I know that I'm wrong on these feelings..but Lord..this is just how I feel. I drew the line whenever a girl I find as a little sister tells me that he has been seeking her out.. You can hurt me. But it stops when you start to find someone close to me to hurt. Ah.. I need to let go and forgive. I need to see him as a lost child... and PRAY for him.. I NEED TO! I NEED TO ! I NEED TO! But I need God's strength.. to do so...
*sigh*
AND TO THINK.. the people of my past.. the man who raped me, my ex, and people involved... I HAVE FORGIVEN. I have let go of that bitterness. Because I KNOW they are lost. I KNOW they knew no better. I KNOW who they were serving..and who I was serving at the time. Ofcourse..it's going to end the way it did. It does not justify what they did..and it doesnt stop me from still feeling hurt, abused, and torn over it.. but I know that it was out of our hands. But with him.. he claims to know better. He claims to be better. He claims that he is not lost.
But I dont see it.
Makes it harder to forgive and forget. The word hyprocrit comes to mind.
But at the same time, we all are hyprocrits because we all sin..
I just think theres a difference if your seeking to change who you are...
or if your set in being the way you are and still claiming Christ as your Lord and Savior.
And once again..
I pray..
"Lord, give me love for this man. Help me not to judge..but just to see him as lost. He is yours."
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Those are some strong words. You really have a lot of love for God. You've given a good message about trying to forgive and trying to help people help themselves. Some people can't be helped nor want to be helped. They simple don't care. They don't want to change for the better. You have every right to be bitter towards him, and you can't change how you feel because then you wouldn't be honest. You need to be honest to yourself and to God. You say that he says he is better and is not lost. It sounds like he might be confused or is making himself believe he is not lost. I'm sure he realizes it, but doesn't care to change it.
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