Tossed and Turned

I was reminded last night why for a long time I isolated myself and didnt get close to anyone. Part of me last night just wanted to curl up into that shell again and never come out. Lay in bed forever..and just forget life..and people. It sucks being so compassionate and so emotional and sensitive all at the same time. That means you get HURT big time when life throws curve balls at you. I barely slept last night. Tossed and turned.. I feel horrible today. And now..getting ready for work.. Gross! I know I will get thro this little storm.. with God's help and strength. Man..why does He feel so far away?? But.. in the mean time, I just want to curl up in a ball... and sleep for a couple of days. I would be perfectly content in that. That's the depression I've struggled with for a couple years now speaking. Ofcourse, I will not do that.. but.. I might be taking some time and space for myself... I feel like I've been hit by 10 semi trucks...over and over again. That's how my body, mind, and spirit feels. I never can quite find the right people to keep around in my life.
I also realized yesterday... that some of those friends that said.."I will always be here for you" were absent and they let me down once again! After I have time after time dropped what I was doing-to go listen to one of them when they were in need. It makes me feel so ... lonely... and hurt. But I will move forward. Maybe were just at different stages of lives.. where.. we dont need each other anymore. I just know I needed a friend last night....
I know God is gonna pull me through this. And I am trying so hard to draw near to Him in this moment. I know I'll be okay.. I just wish things were different in life..in my area of friends and relationships. I would really love to find a couple friends I can trust. . I have a couple-whom live far away.. and I have one that lives close but were at different stages in life. I would love to find someone I could just go to.. to cry on their shoulders when I, hopefully do not, have days like this again. But maybe God is trying to teach me to lean fully on Him...... and sometimes the lessons are hard.... but in the end..always the best. Whatever it is God..I'm listening fully.. and I'm willing to lean on you. I can not take all this burden myself..........